Self Sabatoged and All Out of Chances...

And that is all I have of him is memories... vivid memories. He came again last night sparked from a cool breeze that kissed my breasts like he once did. Intimidated by his presence, I tried to remain calm. He knew all of my vulnerabilities simply because he was the one who gave them to me. Kneeling at my bedside he whispered my name. I felt my hips sway. A kiss upon the collar bone and I melted into his submission. He was my favorite scent...He was my favorite flavor... He was the favorite of all my senses. My body knew him well. He knew I was his ...I did as well . He told me he loved me... I said I didn't believe in such an emotion...he said he wants to be whatever I do believe in...I said nothing. He touched my lower abdomen and my body responded. He gently pulled my hair and I opened... facing both battles, me against him and me against myself. As I inhaled, I took him in, bit my lip, closed my eyes and welcomed every bit of his being. My inner voice immediately tells me to disconnect. Self sabotage and avoid the worst pain known to any warm blooded woman... heartache. Shun the softness of his lips... a kiss... the open doors to the emotional exchange. I kept my eyes closed, embraced the feeling and avoided the soul. I pushed him away... as far as I could and now I miss him. I welcome solitude. I missed my first chance and I'm not looking for another. Those nights were the most satisfying to me and at the same time the most empty.  I was his fascination and he was my object and that lost kiss, had I known it would be our last time together in this life I would have kissed to the point of leaving my taste on his pallet for an eternity.