Use me... until you use me up...

Draped in lies spittin empty promises. Transparent as ever. You're the only person who doesn't see your actions. I miss who you were but not who you are. I stood resilient by your side and that echoed off me unto your image catapulting your success. Loyalty is me and loyalty is what you used. My rough life created thick skin... it would take a much stronger spirit to shake my ambition... I can't say I don't hurt because the company you gave is the loneliness you have left me with but I know when I look back at the years thru the tears... I am better off. We find our burdens deep within our blessings... and the thickness of our struggles is what determines the sweetness of our victories... I know consider you sugar on top...

Goodbye to 2007...

No matter how far I run away from them, they still cause tears to fall from my eyes. Distance is no barrier to pain. Ignorance at times is my only protection. I am loyal to a fault. My strength is my greatest weakness and in turn I become my own worst enemy. What I say I never want is the only thing I crave. Fear of failure is the net that keeps me from falling into that trap. Constantly searcing for that missing piece when deep down inside I know I will never find it. Never fully understanding myself but meticulously expecting everybody else to... and so another year comes to an end. A year of various intense emotions and a year of letting go. I know they will never love me the way I want them to love me but I rest knowing that they love me the best way they know how. I will prioritize others as they prioritize me. I will let go and once again start all over. What will I gain from holding on besides dissappointment. So what, I'm what she never really wanted, he wanted more, she's selfish, he's failing, he feels that saying sorry made it all better, she's annoying, she feels avoiding is fixing, he used me to get to her, he never really knew me and never will, he doesn't listen... you're only a victim if you let youself be one. The first law of nature is self preservation. It's time to take care of me and let go. I recognize the pain I have inflicted as well and there is no justification for that but I have exhausted all efforts to make things better. My words can hold nothing only my hands. Misunderstood to the fullest. A complicated girl is what he made me to be, built on a weak foundation, tied together with insecurities, dipped in the seven deadly sins and hung out to dry... Hate me for who I am rather than love me for who I'm not... farewell

Self Sabatoged and All Out of Chances...

And that is all I have of him is memories... vivid memories. He came again last night sparked from a cool breeze that kissed my breasts like he once did. Intimidated by his presence, I tried to remain calm. He knew all of my vulnerabilities simply because he was the one who gave them to me. Kneeling at my bedside he whispered my name. I felt my hips sway. A kiss upon the collar bone and I melted into his submission. He was my favorite scent...He was my favorite flavor... He was the favorite of all my senses. My body knew him well. He knew I was his ...I did as well . He told me he loved me... I said I didn't believe in such an emotion...he said he wants to be whatever I do believe in...I said nothing. He touched my lower abdomen and my body responded. He gently pulled my hair and I opened... facing both battles, me against him and me against myself. As I inhaled, I took him in, bit my lip, closed my eyes and welcomed every bit of his being. My inner voice immediately tells me to disconnect. Self sabotage and avoid the worst pain known to any warm blooded woman... heartache. Shun the softness of his lips... a kiss... the open doors to the emotional exchange. I kept my eyes closed, embraced the feeling and avoided the soul. I pushed him away... as far as I could and now I miss him. I welcome solitude. I missed my first chance and I'm not looking for another. Those nights were the most satisfying to me and at the same time the most empty.  I was his fascination and he was my object and that lost kiss, had I known it would be our last time together in this life I would have kissed to the point of leaving my taste on his pallet for an eternity.

Intro to Miss Understood...

If you want to see somebody's true colors... simply say "no". I know that regardless of what people claim to be to me... I am still alone when my tears fall. I am Miss Understood... I will give you my last dollar, I will set aside my wants to help you with your needs, I will listen to your pains knowing that you have no idea what my heart is feeling. I find solace amidst the ignorance. I find comfort in holy pages. Guilty for giving myself to him before I should have... to proud to let the words absorb... I know my worth. I know my past. I know my heartache and I know my fears. Holding on to what I know. Self preservation. Never have I craved companionship... I find comfort in being alone. Deep breath... Never let them see me cry... never let them know who you are because they don't really care and even if they did only you can heal your own pain. I am at fault for not looking towards the future but looking at the past... but its because I never want to go back there. I have found happiness by acknowledging reality. I have low expectations for everybody and in the end I am NEVER really disappointed because I didnt expect much from the beginning. I can't help who I am and I don't want to help it. I love my life as it is. I am protected and I am fine not letting anybody in. When we take in our first breathe we are alone and when we take our last breathe we will be alone. I create my destiny... I make the bed I lie in. I am hard to find but a treasure when found. If my life choices bother you so much then simply remove me from your life. It's that easy. Like the air you breath... inhale... exhale... let me go. If you knew the stories... if you took time to hear of the battles... you would understand. Justification isn't really necessary if you trust. I can't endure the "I love yous" not everybody is cut out for the "relationship" thing... So here is my apology for not saying I love you back... for turning my head when you kiss... for giving myself to you too soon and sayin it meant nothing... for not crying when others would have... for making my kindness look like weakness... for backing away when it all got too deep... for not wanting to have children... for leaving without saying goodbye... for giving you such a good thing then taking it away... and now for saying fuck you... I'm aware when I'm ready it may be too late... but that is a risk I am sooo willing to take. I can't be yours because I'm... mine...